Dallas’ Story: “I am beautiful, blameless, and treasured!”

Graduation day at Mercy is always our favorite day! Last week, two beautiful young women, Sydney and Dallas,  graduated from our program.  Today, we are honoured to share a bit more from our horse-loving, graduate Dallas. Even before she began her emotional testimony, Dallas wanted to make one thing clear to the full room of friends, family, residents, staff, and supporters: “I have forgiven everyone from my past. I praise God that He is the greatest redeemer of all.” Amen.

The Years Before Transformation

Dallas grew up in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan with her parents and little brother. From the outside, her family appeared flawless, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Dallas and her brother endured emotional, mental, and physical abuse, in a home filled with fear and secrets. Dallas desperately wanted to feel loved and safe, but because of the neglect and abuse she endured behind closed doors, she began to believe that there was something wrong with her, that she was only getting what she deserved.

Throughout this time, her mother tried to teach her about God, but this only resulted in warped ideas. Dallas asked Jesus into her heart, out of fear of hell, but she thought that God was judgmental, and he would only love her if she was perfect. It was exhausting. Her mother became ill, and her parents eventually divorced. It was messy.

Then, at a very young age, she became sexually active. This encounter caused Dallas to feel guilt and shame, almost as if she was “used” or “dirty.” She became sexually active with men and women, allowing people to take advantage of her. She became skilled at secrets. She began to be controlled and tormented by fear, particularly through terrible nightmares. Dallas endured negative comments about her weight constantly, even at home, and she pretended not to care, even though it hurt horribly. When she lost weight after an unrelated surgery as a teen, the resulting attention and compliments only confirmed her fear that she was worthy if she was “thin and perfect.” She began cycles of binging and purging, restrictions and indulgences, that continued for years.

Dallas used drugs, sex, and alcohol to cope. She lived a double life, convincing everyone that she was fine, even while addicted. After three years, she half-hardheartedly sought treatment. She “worked the system” – allowing counsellors to believe she was sober, while she kept her destructive behaviors. She lost half of her body weight, due to her eating disorder and addictions.

“I was so sick of life that I honestly felt that, if this was all my life was going to be, I would rather be dead,” said Dallas. That was when her cousin, Jenna, told her to apply at Mercy. During the application process, Dallas’ eating disorder endangered her life. With the care of a Christian psychologist, a dietician’s counsel, the support of her boyfriend, and the fervent prayers of her mom, Dallas’s health miraculously stabilized. This drew her closer to God. For the first time, Dallas felt that God might have something more for her, and she wanted to know more.

Freedom

Supported by family Dallas was healthy enough to run 10k in May

Dallas arrived at Mercy desperate for healing and freedom. She was determined to graduate, to be perfect, so she completed her assignments, met her milestones, and, once again, worked to earned her self-worth. “I believed I was at Mercy to learn how to cope,” admitted Dallas. “But Mercy has not  helped me to “cope” – it’s been so much more than that! I have learned that I can overcome all of my issues, they no longer need to rule my life.”

“I  have honestly fallen head over heels in love with Jesus and I am experiencing an overwhelming relationship with my Heavenly Father,” shares Dallas. “I have nothing to fear. God has proven Himself to me, again and again, how faithful and good He is.”

Dallas has been set free from drug and alcohol addictions, sexual sin, and eating disorders. She is walking in freedom.

“I know that I have the choice – to choose life – and not only that, but I can enjoy it! Every day God wipes my slate clean, and I am ready to battle whatever comes my way. I choose to treasure the body that God has given me. I refuse to let guilt and fear overwhelm me when I eat. God has completely delivered me from my addiction to exercise, and now I am able to exercise for fun, not out of obligation. I was even successful at running the 10K Run for Mercy!”

“I am a child of God,” proclaimed Dallas boldly, “and I am beautiful, blameless, and treasured in the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I no longer live under guilt and shame from my past.”

Thank You

“To my family and friends, your support has gotten me through more than you know” said Dallas. “To the Mercy staff and all the wonderful, amazing people who have been supporting me, and praying for me, words cannot explain the impact you have made in my life. Thank you! And to Jesse, it is only by God’s power, and His grace, that He has enabled you to stand right by my side for the past 5 years, through a lot of turmoil and trouble. Through it all, you have refused give up on me. You are truly amazing.”

Dallas’ most tender words were reserved for her Rescuer though: “Most of all, thank you Jesus… your blood has made me clean, pure and completely brand new; I once was lost but now I am found.”

Dallas celebrates her freedom with Mercy Ministries’ Executive Director Nicola Bartel

Life After Mercy

Dallas went back home to Saskatoon this week, covered in prayer. Like all of our graduates, she will experience a supportive year of Transitional Care as she begins her new chapter. But no matter what she may face in the future, she will never have to do it alone again, from now on, she is walking through life with Jesus. “I have experienced just how important it is that I allow God to do His work, in His timing, and that He has a purpose for everything, both the good and the bad. And, by His grace, I am free!”

We are so proud of you, Dallas! You are so loved. We can’t wait to see what you do with your new freedom.

I’m running for tummy rubs

Roman moved into the the Mercy Ministries home in March

My name is Roman, and in case you’ve never been introduced, I am the only male living in the Mercy home.  I’m pretty important around here; and if I see you haven’t taken this into account when you visit I will certainly oblige your humanness by reminding you through chewing on your purse or shoes.  I won’t damage them (I’m not that sort of puppy) just enough to get that jolt of adrenaline of fear I might have ruined it.  Once at graduation, Christina thought the day was about her – but I kindly reminded her by eating just a bit of her testimony before she went up to share.  She got in line quickly.

I am running for Mercy because each one of the residents in this house are the best tummy-rubbers, treat-givers, pull rocks out of my teeth, clean up my messes, put my flea-treatment on, brush my hair, adjust my harnessers in the whole entire world.   If they weren’t at Mercy, who would be here to adorn me with love and affection?

See, it’s hard to train humans.  They think because, they are bigger than I am, that their way is the better one.  Of course I pretend to give in to

them– sitting when they repeat ‘wah, wah’ and look at me like I should write out a mathematical equation.  If I do this for them, I get what I want– which is to get them to throw the most beautifully fantastic yellow bouncy ball ever!  Floppity, flop I tear down the hall to get it WAY before them, so fast it’s like they weren’t even TRYING to get it.  Suckers.  All the glory is mine!  If they get uppity and start ignoring me all I have to do is roll over on my back and shoot them a little sigh…. In no time they are ‘oooing and ahhhing’ in my direction; a little praise helps settle a stomach.

Training humans is hard work

But these humans seem pretty special to me.  Especially the ones who are always here, they are my special humans.  For some reason, they all have extra love to give me and receive my kisses and snuggles with tears and joy.  It’s like they are big sponges for it!  Sometimes I see them crying like a leaky sponge, those days I give them an extra snuggle.  I don’t know why but a few of my favourite humans are really angry or really anxious sometimes.  I think some of them can’t help it. I’ve met dogs like that before.  I see them in the park and their owners are very nice to them, so the dog becomes not very nice too.   Makes me really happy my humans aren’t like that all the time, phew I’d be scared and leave them!  Don’t worry about me though, remember, I have them trained *wink.

But the special humans that have been here a really long time – they don’t get angry or anxious so much; they are happier.  Even if I forget to do my very private business outside and do it on the white carpets instead, they don’t punish me – they just make sure I take a longer walk next time to remember.

Roman is a morki-poo
(Maltese, Yorkshire Terrier, Toy Poodle)

So they’re all preparing for a REALLY BIG walk in a few weeks.  Mostly to celebrate how much they love walking me, but I think also so  they can keep the lights on and keep helping my most special humans.  Seems like a good cause, so I’ve lent all four of my paws!  Please make a donation or join my team – Roman’s Rovers. We going to have the most fun on May 12th! While you’re at it let me know why you’re running for Mercy, over at Mercy’s facebook page

From Abandoned to Adopted: Christina’s Story

Christina tells her story at her graduation from Mercy Ministries

My testimony, in essence, is really a LOVE story.  A Story of a little girl who truly believed that she was unlovable, unwanted, and invisible.  A story of a God who saw her, rescued her, and won her heart.  As she grew, He watched as her heart became captivated with other things.  He watched as she forgot who she was, who she belonged to; and tried desperately to draw life from herself and others. But He could not give up on her, because SHE BELONGED TO HIM.”

This is MY story of how God has loved me, and has so gently drawn my gaze back to HIM, the one that I had always loved.  The only one who can AMAZINGLY satisfy the longings in my heart”

When Christina was a young girl, her mother became a Christian and she grew up in a church where she felt accepted and loved. She accepted Jesus into her heart when she was only seven years of age. Though church was her “absolute favorite place in the whole world,” life at home was unhappy. Her mother battled depression and an alcohol addiction and her parents did not get along. “As I look back on my life, I can see a pattern starting, in which it would seem as if I was living two lives.”

When she was 12 years old, her mom disappeared for a day without explanation. This started a pattern of disappearing without warning or explanation. Her parents eventually divorced, and after about a year Christina’s mom left for good and she didn’t see her for a very long time. Christina focused on her dad, trying to work hard to keep things at home perfect, worried by a fear that he might leave also. At 13 years old, Christina read an article about a young woman who battled with bulimia, and this planted a seed that grew into an eating disorder that would stay with her for the next 16 years.

After high school Christina traveled around Canada with a Christian theater company and then had an opportunity to intern with a youth pastor at an “exciting, charismatic church.” However the eating disorder stayed with her and she did not face it until a couple of girls in the youth group she led, confessed their struggles to her. At the suggestion of her pastor Christina started counseling

MARRIAGE, MINISTRY AND MASKS

Around this time Christina met her husband Trevor, she was attracted to the freedom she saw in him. “He was just Trevor. He didn’t try to impress anyone, and I so badly wanted this freedom in my own life.” After dating for a while, she told Trevor that she was getting help for an eating disorder, and with hope for her healing, they got engaged, and married in June 2004.

Cristina's heart longed for abundant life

Unfortunately, married life became A “magnified version of the double life standard” from her childhood. Hiding the reality of her inner struggles and outwardly living a “perfect” life.

Christina and Trevor were very active in the church and youth ministry, always smiling and enthusiastic. They had a new house, great friends, fun vacations, and genuinely good times, but on the inside of their home, life was very different.

“I was depressed a lot of the time, trying to numb myself by eating next to nothing and obsessively exercising.  I had to quit my job, as I was too weak and would frequently faint. I was in and out of the hospital and treatment programs, feeling so ashamed of myself, and what was going on in my head.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me or how to get over this.”

Christina’s mom came back into her life when she heard that Christina was sick. She stopped drinking moved to the city where Christina lived, then moved in for a while to be a support for Christina. Christina’s heart opened up to her,  but in a short while she began drinking again and then one day, as she had before, she disappeared.

“I was devastated this time, assuming that I was just too much for anyone to handle. How horrible of a person could I be, if my mom didn’t even want to be around me?   My passion for life was suffocated with the darkness I felt. I believed I had failed Trevor, being locked in my own world of pain.  He was, always lovingly devoted to me and audaciously fought to be everything I needed, but I feared that secretly he wished that he had never married me. And I despised myself for all the hurt that I had caused him.

Even more devastating to me was the devouring sense that I had failed God. I had read self help books, attended seminars, freedom prayer, read my bible more, but I remained stuck.  I couldn’t be real with God anymore and felt like I had to have more faith, pull myself together, and work a little harder; and because I couldn’t, I just assumed that God was disappointed with me. I believed that there was so much more to a life with God than what I was living…this ABUNDANT LIFE I so often dreamt about seemed out of my reach and I had no idea how to get there.”

MERCY
At one of her stays in the hospital, a nurse, told Christina about Mercy Ministries and encouraged her to apply. Eventually, with Trevor’s agreement, she applied for Mercy, and came to the home in Surrey on August 2nd, 2011.”

“How in the world do I begin to put into words, the absolute miracle that has taken place in my life these past eight months?  I am CERTAIN that the Christina I am today has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God’s work in me.

Now, when I remember specific painful moments in my past; I can see, in my mind, Jesus, standing right there beside me.  Holding me, loving me, and giving me strength.  If He was with me then, there is this conviction deep inside that He will always be there as I walk into the future… When I think of shameful memories; I can see His eyes, and the way He is looking past my behavior, right into my heart, and calling me beautiful and cherished.

My heart is FILLED with Love and tenderness toward my mom, and I know that God will lead her back to Himself.  I also believe that my dad will come to know Him, and that God will heal my siblings’ hearts, just like He did mine.”

Christina describes how God used Mercy Ministries to free her in this way:

“I WAS LOVED! Staff have cared about me, accepted me, on days I was striving to perfection, and when I was plagued with insecurity.  Day in and day out, I was seen, listened to, prayed for and challenged.  I was given space to wrestle things through.  They have shared their hearts and lives with me, allowed me to share mine as well, and encouraged me as I learned about the Grace of God.”

SAYING GOODBYE TO THE EATING DISORDER

As Christina faced the pain of her past The Lord led her to do one more thing:

Christina and Trevor share a laugh at on her graduation day

“At God’s leading, I wrote a letter to the eating disorder.  I wrote about how it had initially captivated me, and helped me in a tough time.  Then how it had deceived me, trapped me, and eventually stole EVERYTHING from me. I wrote about how God has rescued me and adopted me.  I belong to Him now.” He offers me genuine security and true life.  I wrote that I knew God was asking me to let go of the eating disorder, so that He could show me how to walk in health and His authentic beauty.”

So, one date night, Christina and Trevor walked down to the beach.  She tearfully read the letter, Trevor prayed, and destroyed the letter as a symbol of freedom from the eating disorder

“We walked away, that night, holding hands, smiling, and FREE of this obnoxious entity that had plagued my life for 16 years and our marriage for 7.  NOW THAT’S A MIRACLE!”

Beauty for Ashes: Jessica’s Story

Nothing about Jessica could prepare you for the story she tells of her life before coming to  Mercy Ministries.

Not her radiant smile,  her friendly manner, or the confidence with which she reads a passage describing the beauty God sees in her. 

“To be honest”  She says  “I wasn’t sure if this day would ever come.”

A Living Nightmare

Jessica had been sexually, physically and verbally abused by her father starting at the age of 3. Her father cultivated a spirit of prostitution in her by letting his friends use her sexually for a price.

Her grandparents finally discovered what had been happening to her after she attempted suicide at 13 years of age. They rescued her from her father by insisting that her mother leave him, but then her mother blamed her for the divorce, and her life began to spiral out of control.

“Between ages 13 to 20 I was diagnosed with depression and as bipolar and told I would be on anti-psychotic drugs and have to live in psychiatric hospitals for the rest of my life because I would never be able to function in society. My life felt out of control, and to gain a sense of control I decided to control my food which led to me struggling with anorexia and bulimia. The eating disorder ruled every part of my life and eventually it got to the point where the eating disorder was in control and I was not. I started self-harming and was drinking all the time.

With being so unhealthy and getting sick all the time I was unable to keep a job which meant being unable to have a place to live at times, so I was living on the streets off and on. It didn’t take me long to realize that if I sold my body for sex I could have a place to sleep or money. This realization led me to being involved in stripping and prostitution. For the most part it was my choice except at one particular house. While there, I had no say in who, what or when if I wanted to remain alive.

I have been raped more times than I can count, and I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment programs where they tell you that you are chronic and all they can do for you is teach you how to cope. Finally I got to the point of being like “if there is no way to get better I would rather die than live like this” so I attempted suicide  many times and was almost successful. Then I felt like a failure for not even being able to take my own life.”

Coming to Mercy

Shortly after Jessica’s 19th birthday her doctor told her that unless things changed in her life she would be dead within a year, and then a friend who struggled with similar issues died of a massive heart attack at 21 years of age. Around this time a friend told her about Mercy Ministries; after resisting for some time, she applied and was eventually accepted.

Jessica made great progress at Mercy, and soon, made the one choice that could bring complete change to her life:

“It wasn’t until I realized that God loves me and actually got that in my heart not just in my head that things really started to change. I had to fully commit my life to Christ and surrender all that I am before He could make changes”

Jessica's grandmother passed away while she was at Mercy

After only three months at Mercy, Jessica received sad news that her dear grandma had been diagnosed with cancer and given a week to live.

She flew home to be with her and had the privilege of being with her when she passed away. During this time at home, Jessica offered forgiveness to her mother, who, in turn apologized to her! “We are now working on rebuilding our relationship.”  She says.

Set back and Perseverance

While Jessica was home to be with her grandma and seeking reconciliation with her mother, the enemy also took the opportunity at a vulnerable time to attack her again in a most vicious way.

“This trip home rocked my world in more ways than one. Returning to Mercy was ten times harder than when I originally came. I had no idea where to go from here and I feared that I had lost all the progress I had made, because while I was home I was raped again. This made me feel that my only choice in life was to be a prostitute.”

But God was not finished pursuing her yet.

“Once I was finally able to be open with staff, things started to get better again. I realized that my progress was not lost but instead I had made lots of it. The changes that have been taking place in my life are things that only God could have done. Let’s take a look at how big our God is.

I have been off my bipolar medication since August and am functioning well. I used to be terrified of food and now I enjoy eating – especially ice cream and chocolate – and I don’t feel guilty for the most part afterwards. I don’t desire to self harm. I have dreams and hopes for my future and am excited about life. I for the most part no longer have night terrors and I am healthy physically. I can see how throughout my whole life God has had his hand on me even before I knew him.  An example of this has been walking through getting tested for HIV. Praise God that as of two weeks ago I know for sure that my health has been protected through it all. Had Mercy not been free I would not have been able to come or been able to still be here.

I came in feeling rejected, broken, alone, used and afraid. This is not the case anymore. Now by the grace of God I know that I am wanted, loved, redeemed, forgiven and free.”

Beauty for Ashes

Jessica with Executive Director Nicola Bartel on her graduation day

As Jessica stood to tell her story, at her graduation from Mercy Ministries this month, she began by reading a passage from the book “Do you think I’m Beautiful” by Angela Thomas:

“God enjoys my laughter. He takes pleasure in the way I think. He is not bored with me. He would never consider my ordinary. I do not go unnoticed by Him. I am incredibly breathtakingly beautiful to Him. He never holds his love back or plays games with my heart – there are no riddles with God. He does not stand me up. He always remembers, always keeps His promises. He doesn’t turn away – even if I do. God has seen me from across the room and cannot take His eyes off of me”.

By the time she finished telling her story there was not a dry eye in the room.

Her radiant smile, friendly manner and confidence so breathtakingly beautiful, in the light of God’s love for her.